i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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