I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So much rum. So many feels.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
