I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Four minutes until I can fart!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
