Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
