I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
