My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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