Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We have so much sex to catch up on
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
