2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
