Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just found a bag of teeth...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
