I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
All the doctor said was why
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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