I am midnight drunk by noon
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
