She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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