Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
