I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
