He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize