if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Green mimosas i think yes
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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