Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
