i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
