I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
