I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
