i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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