I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
