Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
