thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
