trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
