he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
