I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
