I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
