Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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