maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
