my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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