Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
