is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
