dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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