At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
