I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
