My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
