I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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