Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
