I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize