I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
