I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize