It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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