Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Randomize
