I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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