Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
