But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
