plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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