On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
