if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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