i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
