i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
