Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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