just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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