I'm going to jail i love you
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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