Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
i think i just lost a toe
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
