you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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