yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I could fuck to npr.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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