I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
